When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
