It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
