I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
