I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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