im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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