Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
