hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
