I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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