I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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