I think I died a long time ago.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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