I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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