At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
