so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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