I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I could make wine with my vomit
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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