My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
a search helicopter?!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
