I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
