his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The air taste purple.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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