dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
