In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
