Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
