if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
