Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She made me pour olive oil on her.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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