pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want her autograph on my taint
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
