also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
