$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I love having hate sex.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
