girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
