saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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