Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
