i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
