So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
