Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
