I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
there is glitter all over my balls
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
