u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
