slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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