Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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