Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
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Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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