It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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