Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
