It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad