Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?