Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
