I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack