Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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