if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
