Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
