i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You made out with two different species that night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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