dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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