Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
