i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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