Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
birth control should be required to get into college
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
