I think my fart just growled at me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
