Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
