yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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