my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
