Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
