I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
