I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
