God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You almost got us killed.
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