my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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