You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
