There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
